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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27754372">i love you.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjujutsu/pseuds/jjujutsu'>jjujutsu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Suicide, IF SUICIDE IS A TRIGGER FOR U DONT READ THIS PLZZ, M/M, Nonbinary Choi Yeonjun, description of attempted suicide, descriptions of depression and suicidal thoughts, idk how else to tag this, mentions of a psych ward, soobin loves beomgyu so much, we love yeonjun noona in this household</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:08:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27754372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjujutsu/pseuds/jjujutsu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Right then and there, as Soobin excitedly fed him another bite of the monstrosity he called a cake, he knew that there would never be anyone else for him.</p>
<p>He would always be Soobin’s Beomgyu.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i love you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi before you read once again this fic deals with some heavy topics and has descriptions of attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, and mentions a 72 hour hold at a psych ward. if any of these things will be triggering for you please stop reading here!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Beomgyu could remember the worst night of his life as if it was yesterday. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It had been the day of his fifteenth birthday, the clock had read 4:00 AM, and Beomgyu, with tears spilling out of his eyes, had just sent a goodbye text to his best friend.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Me • 4:00 AM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>soobinnie, im sorry :( i loved u always. when im gone i want u to take care of my bird. plz? hell be lonely without me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Soobin • 4:02 AM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>what?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Soobin • 4:03 AM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>beomgyu what are u saying</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Soobin • 4:03 AM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>are u okay?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Soobin • 4:04 AM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>gyu can u text me back? im worried… where are u going? dont leave me. talk to me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Soobin • 4:05 AM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>beomgyu??</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu had read the texts with a sad smile on his face as he stood in the kitchen, pressing a butcher knife to the skin of his wrist. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was still crying, his vision going blurry as he stared at the knife against his skin. One quick push and he could finally end it all, be done with everything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thought of his parents, his friends, and especially Soobin. When he thought of Soobin’s bright smile he found himself unable to push the knife into his skin. He wanted to, so badly, but he was scared.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Scared of death? No. Scared of losing Soobin? Yes. Terrified.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thought Soobin might understand, though. That he didn’t have any other options. That he couldn’t keep living a life he felt like he didn’t deserve to live. He had spent fifteen years trying to make everyone happy and forgetting about himself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He had to do this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Soobin would understand, one day. He was sure of it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just as he was about to press the knife into his veins, there was a loud banging noise from his front door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This is the police, open up!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He had stared owlishly at the the door for a few minutes, terrified and unsure of what to do, before another round of banging came and they were yelling to be let in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu cursed under his breath, they were being too loud and he didn’t want his parents to wake up. Quickly, he set down the knife and ran to answer the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, can I help you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It turned out, he had to wake his parents up anyway. It had become this whole big thing, he had to tell them what he was about to do and explain to the cops in front of his crying mother why he had tried to end his own life. He may or may not have been crying, too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They ended up making him stay in a mental hospital for three days. He didn’t get a choice. It was fucking miserable.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t use his phone, so he couldn’t text Soobin. That was the worst part of it all. Aside from that, though, he had to attend awkward group therapy where he never knew what exactly to say. He barely slept at nights because the bars on his window and the cryptic writing on the wall by his pillow freaked him out. He wasn’t even allowed to use shampoo in the shower, and on top of it all, one of the nurses kept drinking the cranberry juice that was supposed to be for the patients. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The only positive thing about it all was that he had made a friend. Their name was Yeonjun, they were two years older than him, and they didn’t ever try and pry too much. He and Yeonjun spent their three days together quoting vines, doing puzzles, and making fun of the awful hospital food they had to eat (seriously, they fed them unseasoned chicken and raw broccoli for most meals, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ew</span>
  </em>
  <span>).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a weird thing, to bond with someone over the fact you had both tried to kill yourselves and you were stuck in a psych ward, but he felt like it made his friendship with Yeonjun unbreakable.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On Beomgyu’s last day, they exchanged phone numbers and instagrams. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll text you the minute I walk out the door, noona! You better text me back the minute you get out, too, okay? Promise?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Beomgyu,” they sighed fondly, “I promise. Now hurry your ass up, unless you </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to stay here longer?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“God, no, never. Bye, soulmate!” He laughed, practically running to where his parents were waiting for him, flashing Yeonjun a bright smile as he did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t end up texting Yeonjun as soon as he was out the door, because his phone was dead, but as soon as it had enough charge he sent a quick message.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Me • 3:07 PM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>HEY HOMO &lt;3 its ur fav adorable mentally ill dongsaeng. bet ur missing my gorgeous face!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The next day, before Beomgyu even had a chance to properly wake up, Soobin was in his house, barging into his room, with tears streaming down his cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you, Choi Beomgyu!” He practically screamed, too loud for eight in the morning.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He most certainly did not seem as understanding as Beomgyu expected him to be that night. He seemed like a whirlwind of emotions, at that moment, but ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>understanding</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ was nowhere to be found.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before Beomgyu could get a word in, Soobin was climbing into his bed and curling up against his side, as if he wasn’t the taller of the two of them, his face buried in Beomgyu’s neck. His fingers were gripping onto Beomgyu’s hoodie so tightly, as if Beomgyu would disappear if he loosened his grip.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck, Beomgyu?” Soobin started again, with no real bite behind his words. “How could you do that? What about </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Beomgyu? How the fuck could I ever live without you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if he had been selfish, or if it was Soobin who was being selfish. Maybe a bit of both? He wasn’t sure.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he was already caught off guard, though, Soobin’s next words knocked the breath out of him entirely.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Gyu. I love you so fucking much. Don’t ever leave me, please. Please. What would I do without you? I need you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu, still at a loss for words, just wrapped his arms silently around his best friend, and let him cry. If he was crying, too, well, that was nobody’s business but his own.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you, too, Soobin,” was all he could say in the end.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was how Beomgyu’s attempt to end everything became the start of one of the most beautiful things in his life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was nineteen now, it had been four years since the night he thought he was saying his final goodbyes. In five days, it would also be his and Soobin’s four year anniversary.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Said boy </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> have been lazily cuddled up with him in bed, like he was every morning, but the spot next to him was empty and cold.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu found himself letting out a small huff of breath, a pout on his lips as he sleepily climbed out of bed on a hunt to locate his boyfriend. Soobin cuddles had become an important part of his daily routine, sue him for being cranky that he wasn’t receiving them today.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t have to search for long, though, as he quickly found his boyfriend in the kitchen putting sliced strawberries on a– well, he wasn’t exactly sure what the fuck the thing sitting on the counter in front of Soobin was, actually. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck is that,” he grumbled, coming up behind the boy to wrap his arms around his waist.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning, sleepy head,” Soobin said endearingly. “It’s a cake. I made it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A cake?” Beomgyu questioned, peeking around Soobin to look again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To be honest, it didn’t look anything like a cake. It looked closer to an anthill covered in frosting. Beomgyu didn’t even know how it was possible for a cake to come out that shape. Had he tried to bake it in a fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>bowl</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That doesn’t look like a cake, baby.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck off, this cake is a </span>
  <em>
    <span>masterpiece </span>
  </em>
  <span>and you are going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>enjoy</span>
  </em>
  <span> it because I made it for you. I even called Yeonjun noona and made them tell me how to bake a cake from scratch. They weren’t very happy about being woken up at six in the morning but they’ll get over it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As hideous as the supposed cake was, Beomgyu couldn’t help but be endeared about the fact Soobin had made it specifically for him. Even going as far as to consult Yeonjun, when Beomgyu knew he hated asking the older for help. It wasn’t because Soobin disliked Yeonjun, no, he just hated showing any vulnerability in front of them because for some reason Soobin thought they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>cool</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Ridiculous.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Still, though, he knew it must have hard for Soobin to ask Yeonjun to help him, and the fact he did just to make something special for Beomgyu made him almost want to cry. Almost.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm, sure. What’s the special occasion?” He asked, nuzzling his head against Soobin’s shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t get a response for a minute or two, which only made him more curious. Soobin was sixteen years past the point of being shy around him, after all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just– I’m just really happy you’re alive, and here with me,” his boyfriend spoke after a moment, his voice barely above a whisper. Beomgyu almost didn’t hear him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He did, though, and Soobin’s words made his breath catch in his throat. He tightened his hold on the taller boy, just slightly, holding him closer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew Soobin was still scared of losing him, after everything that happened. His boyfriend never voiced it out loud, but Beomgyu had always been able to tell from the way he held him almost too tightly some nights, or the way he would sometimes come home and do nothing but hold Beomgyu and tell him how </span>
  <em>
    <span>important </span>
  </em>
  <span>he was, or the way he would drop anything and everything to be with Beomgyu when he was upset.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was doing better, now, he had been doing better for the last three years, and he knew Soobin knew. Of course he knew, the boy had been present with Beomgyu every step of the way, and Beomgyu knew that fear wasn’t out of pity or out of the fact he thought Beomgyu was ten seconds away from killing himself at any given moment. He knew it was because Soobin loved him and never, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted him to get to that point again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t mind the worry, because he knew Soobin loved him. It never made him feel weird, or like he was being put on suicide watch or something. It just made him feel warm, and reminded him that even if his world was in flames, Soobin would be there to keep him safe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you,” was what he finally said, tears prickling at his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you, too, loser. Now come on, eat some cake.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu nodded slightly, letting Soobin maneuver his body so he was no longer clinging to his back, but rather standing beside him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Soobin cut a slice and brought a fork up to his lips to feed him a bite, he easily accepted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was the most dense fucking cake he had ever eaten, and to be honest, he was sure Soobin had used far too much food coloring because he could practically taste it. However, the bright, dimpled smile on Soobin’s face made him swallow his complaints along with the cake.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s delicious, Binnie, I love it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Soobin’s face brightened even more at Beomgyu’s words, if that was even possible, and Beomgyu felt his heart melt into a puddle of goo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Right then and there, as Soobin excitedly fed him another bite of the monstrosity he called a cake, he knew that there would never be anyone else for him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He would always be Soobin’s Beomgyu.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hii if u read all of this thank u so much and i hope u enjoyed it all!!<br/>this was sort of a projection fic of some of my own thoughts and experiences... ahh the coping mechanisms. sorry for making beomgyu hurt !! but hes ok now. hes happy and he knows hes loved.</p>
<p>ps. if u didnt figure it out soobin was the one who called the police after beomgyu didnt respond to any of his texts</p></blockquote></div></div>
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